Engage
Each January my family comes up with a word for the year and 2023 is no different. We talked this one over on our drive back from Atlanta where we spent Christmas with friends - nothing like a 13 hour drive with a captive audience, literally. We reminisced about all the things we were able to celebrate (our word for 2022): Greg’s 50th birthday, finally getting to see our family this summer in South Africa, and many other not-insignificant joys and achievements we’ve had over the year.
Restore, replace, redesign.
We also talked about the hard things: college applications, fresh sadness over the holidays that we live so far from family, and finding ourselves struggling with a weariness to re-engage. This feeling seemed to encompass everything from school, to our community, to friendships and it resonated with what I’ve been reading about and hearing from clients and in my own circles too. Even with the promise of a new year and new beginnings, many of us are finding ourselves with an energy deficit as we navigate ways to restore, replace, or redesign the way we work, how we spend our time, and who we do it with.
I got the expected eye-roll from my kids at the back of the car when I mentioned that their weariness sounded like the resettling phase of transition. They know my work well enough to know I can’t help seeing almost everything through the lens of transition, so I was encouraged when my friend and colleague, Jackie Roese, called me up to talk about a similar theme she’s been noticing around friendships. For a variety of reasons, pandemic notwithstanding, many of us are having to rebuild our social circles and so we decided to record a podcast together to talk about what we can do when we find ourselves in relational transitions. I’d love for you to listen in!
Rebuild and re-engage.
In the podcast we get curious about why we’re finding ourselves lonely, hesitant to re-engage, yet desperate for social connection. We also talk about how we’ve had to rebuild our social circles before and will probably need to again… and again. We share what we’ve learned along the way and give practical tools, like active listening and choosing to play together, to start using this week. For my kids in the car, I reminded them that much of the energy we require is coming from the need to initiate initiate, initiate. After big changes, we need to put ourselves “out there” again and sometimes that means reminding ourselves of what William Bridges calls the 4 Ps in his book, Transitions (and adapted for our conversation here) :
Purpose: remind yourself why you’re doing the work to re-engage: we are social beings and we need one another.
Picture: imagine what you’d like your social circle to look like. Visualize yourself with a set of friends that are filling your cup. Who are they? What are you doing together?
Plan: now work backwards to make a plan. Who do you need to call today? What can you set up this week, this month? What can be done offline and in-person?
Part: recognize the part you play in rebuilding friendships, re-engaging at church, your workplace, or in your community. Don’t expect reciprocation - do it because you know you need it and remind yourself often of the purpose, picture, and plan.
Of all the words we threw around in the car that day for 2023, our family finally came up with engage. As a verb, it means there’s something for us to do which feels empowering. Engage also implies that whatever needs doing needs to be done with others - a need we all expressed. And lastly, it encouraged us to step out of our comfort zones and try new things for a new season. My hope is that you too will be inspired to engage in areas of your life this year that, though they require energy, have the promise of great reward.
“For last year’s words belong to last year’s language and next year’s words await another voice.” - T.S. Eliot