Are you Languishing?
I went to my first party in over a year last weekend. A friend turned forty and we dressed up in denim and diamonds to give a nod to the great fashion sense of the early 80s. With many of us vaccinated, life on the outside seems to be returning to some sort of pre-pandemic normality. However, it’s what’s going on inside of us that interests me more.
I hadn’t seen many of the friends at the party since the pandemic started, so I wasn’t surprised by the awkwardness of my first few exchanges. Answering the question, “How have you been?” in one phrase or less was difficult. Summarizing the loss and grief of the past year over the lyrics of “Girls just wanna have fu-un”? Almost impossible.
Let’s talk about how we really feel.
So when the birthday girl and I exchanged the socially expected, “I’m great! How are you?”, we looked at each other and laughed saying, “Let’s do lunch.” For women, that’s code for: let’s get together and talk about how we really feel. At least for me it is, because in a culture of toxic positivity, I’m constantly searching for authenticity.
While I haven’t yet had lunch with this particular party-goer, I’ve had enough phone calls with friends and Zoom calls with clients to know that it’s not only us ‘ladies who lunch’ struggling to explain how we’re feeling. It was only when I read an article in the New York Times this week that I was introduced to the word languishing. On the mental health spectrum; it’s not depression, but nor is it flourishing or thriving. We’re feeling something in-between, a kind of joyless stagnation, and we’re noticing it in our relationships as well as our workplaces.
2021 seems to be the year of languishing.
If the collective discomfort we experienced in 2020 was grief as we mourned a myriad of losses, then 2021 seems to be the year for languishing. It may be better described as an emptiness or a dulled awareness that we’re not functioning at our full capacity. We’re struggling to focus, lack motivation, seem indifferent to things that usually matter, and feel numb to the things that usually delight.
Here are some useful tools to help us navigate this hard-to-put-your-hands-on feeling.
Name It: when it comes to managing emotions it is helpful to start by giving language to what you’re feeling. Knowing that languishing is a common and shared emotion can help us feel less alone.
Find Flow: flow is a state of absorption in a meaningful challenge or enjoyable experience where our sense of time, place, and self melts away. This is hard to do when we have trouble concentrating or are constantly pivoting or multitasking, but it’s worth a try by starting small. Immerse yourself in a project, a good book, or even a game of Scrabble.
Treat Yourself to Time: set boundaries to ensure you give yourself uninterrupted time on a daily basis. Clear distractions, turn off your phone, and find solace in experiences that capture your full attention.
Set Small Goals: carve out time to focus on a goal that matters to you whether it’s a manageable exercise routine or a meaningful conversation over lunch. If it’s attainable it will help build your energy and enthusiasm over time.
I cannot emphasize enough the importance of taking care of our mental health in this season. It may be more comforting than you realize to know you’re not the only one struggling with this feeling of quiet desperation. It may also be more helpful than you know to give voice to how you’re feeling and then space to listen to a friend, a colleague, or even your teenager.
“How are you?”
“Honestly, I’m languishing.”
“Let’s do lunch.”