Managing Mixed Emotions

I wish I had an old photo of my mom, my sister, and me in the kitchen. Especially at this time of year when we were making fudge for my grandparents, mince pies for my dad, or dressing a gammon for Christmas lunch. They are some of my favorite memories that at the time we didn’t even know we were making. 

Like many of you, I’ve continued some of these traditions with my girls and created new ones along the way. In the past couple of weeks we’ve made mince pies, decorated cookies and gingerbread houses, and even hosted an early Christmas lunch. We’ve done it with friends, had some good laughs, and all the while I’m aware that these are the moments my kids may remember. 

I think it’s why this season is a mixture of grief and gratitude for me. I’m sad my mom isn’t around to see her grown grandchildren AND I’m grateful for friends who have stepped in as grandparents for my girls. I’m sad I can’t go home to see my dad AND I’m grateful my mother-in-law is here to be with us. I’m sad not to be spending Christmas with my sister and family in South Africa AND I’m grateful for the family and friends we get to share our South African traditions with here. Even the nostalgia I experience is a mix of both pleasure from the memory AND pain that the moment is forever lost in the past.

Managing mixed emotions can be draining and I often wonder if it’s why the holiday season can be tiring. But this also IS life. It’s bittersweet. And I wouldn’t want it any other way. I welcome the nostalgia and can sit in the grief of what is not, because slowly I find the gratitude for what is, which produces a deep joy within me.