Re-entry Friction
It’s Memorial Day weekend in the US and with the sun shining and barbecues firing up across the country, it’s easy to imagine we are back in a world without COVID. As restrictions lift and businesses reopen, our neighborhoods and social media feeds are changing too. Restaurants are advertising dine-in options, friends are seen socializing together, and there’s talk of children’s activities starting up again. While this re-emergence is exciting for some, there are others finding themselves with fraught nerves. Why the dichotomy?
Re-entry is hard.
Re-entry is hard. Whether it’s a cross-cultural family returning “home” after living overseas or ourselves trying to reintegrate into society after weeks of quarantine, we can expect some friction and re-entry stress like a rocket ship re-entering the earth’s atmosphere. While much of this has to do with factors we have already talked about: the grief of losing a world we have come to enjoy, the discomfort we feel from being out of balance, or the struggle to once again find our place to belong, there are some added stresses worth examining more carefully.
Unrealistic Expectations: we encounter stress when the reality of our experience doesn’t line up with our expectations. This could be anything from the expectation that everyone will keep their social distance or wear a mask, to something as simple as expecting to know how to greet a friend when you see them in the grocery store. Social norms have been disrupted by the pandemic and we can instead be expecting to experience a range of emotions from awkwardness to disapproval or even anger.
Reverse Culture Shock: whilst many of us experienced difficulty transitioning from the freedom of life pre-COVID to the restrictions of quarantine, many more will feel a similar discomfort reintegrating back into society. Not only has the world as we’ve known it changed somewhat, but so have we. As Alice in Wonderland simply states, “I can’t go back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.”
Chameleon. Screamer. Wallflower.
As we start to move between these two worlds of lockdown and liberty, be on the lookout for different types of behaviors in yourself and others. Not for judgement’s sake, but with grace and empathy as we try to understand our own motivations behind outward displays of emotion or action. Using language from David Pollock as he describes the re-entry behavior of cross-cultural families returning home living abroad, I’ve described three possible personas we might take on as we return to society. Are you a chameleon, adapting to the change and trying to blend in rather than highlight the challenges you notice around you? Or have you become a screamer making sure to define how different the two worlds are and perhaps even offering your opinion on which one is preferred or how best to move from one to the other? Or are you retreating like a wallflower, waiting to assess the scene and hoping no-one will notice your re-entry plan? There is no one right way to be reacting and we may even find ourselves moving through each of these behaviors in one single encounter, but in the awareness of our tendencies lies the hope that we can make better choices in how we respond to ourselves and others. Other reactions to re-entry stress could include:
Elevated fears: however strange it may seem, many of us will have a fear of being disloyal to the season we have just come out of, as if by trying to re-enter society we are negating the time spent in quarantine. This could be especially noticeable if it has been a mostly positive experience for you and your family. There could also be the fear of losing our identity as we emerge from an environment that has changed us or our roles. We wonder how we will ever fit back in to the social pressures and pace we were accustomed to pre-COVID and the anticipation of energy required to adapt yet again may feel overwhelming.
Excessive anger: many of us are experiencing a divisive atmosphere as we emerge from a time of solidarity that stay-at-home orders afforded. Without consensus for how to re-enter society, we are finding factions with differing views and opinions that can elicit feelings of fear, impatience, or outright anger.
Anxiety and depression: with all the uncertainty surrounding re-entry, as well as the inability to predict the future with the virus remaining in circulation and the global economic situation still a concern, it is no wonder anxiety and depression are on the rise. If you are feeling overwhelmed or finding yourself struggling with re-entry more than you anticipated, please reach out to a trusted friend or counselor. These are unpredictable and unprecedented times and stress levels are at an all time high. For more tips on dealing with anxiety, read my blog on Anxious Episodes here.
Compassion counters friction and leads to connection.
We can help ourselves and others in the re-entry process firstly by normalizing the experience. We are all feeling some sort of discomfort and whilst we cannot control others’ choices, we can choose how we respond. Compassion counters friction and leads to connection, making it one of our golden tools during re-entry. Self-compassion for where we find ourselves, allowing time to decide how and when to re-engage with society. And compassion for others as we have empathy for their story or re-entry protocol, especially if it is different from our own. So, as we honor the men and women who have died while serving in the US military this Memorial Day, let us also remember that even as the the friction of re-entry tries to spark division, we are still better together.