Building RAFTs
As the 2019-2020 school year draws to a close for many of us in the northern hemisphere, parents and children are faced with a long, structureless summer. Camps have been cancelled, summer trips postponed, and many are left wondering how summer will look any different from what we’ve been doing since the COVID pandemic started. Whether we are aware of it or not, we’re preparing for yet another change as online schooling comes to an end and we find ourselves making way for something new.
While there is still much uncertainty about how to reintegrate socially, our role as parents could be to help our kids end this school year well and set ourselves up for a successful summer..
When I asked my own kids about the approaching summer, they were excited about not having to spend any more time in front of Zoom. However, when I mentioned that not much would change in terms of our daily routine, I could see their little spirits deflate, as mine had at the same realization. While there is still much uncertainty about how to reintegrate socially, our role as parents could be to help our kids end this school year well and set ourselves up for a successful summer. When I coach families who are relocating, we talk about building a RAFT - an acronym to help kids in the leaving stage of their transition that prepares them for their new adventure. I’m adapting this to fit our context and hope you’ll find it helpful.
Reconciliation: resolve any relational or interpersonal issues to get closure. This could be a friend or teacher your child may have had a rough start to the year with and now feels there is no time to make right. Encourage him or her to write a note to either ask for or offer forgiveness to reconcile the relationship. If this is not possible, help them find a way of seeing the other person or situation that caused pain in a new light. Avoiding this step in the hope the issue will go away as you move on is a poor choice. We tend to carry the mental baggage of unresolved problems with us, which can lead to bitterness, interference in starting new relationships, or an avoidance of places where there is “unfinished business’.
Affirmation: acknowledge that relationships are built on the awareness that each person in the relationship matters. This is an opportunity for your child to show respect and appreciation for the people who have invested in him/her this year. Help your child think of handwritten cards or small handmade gifts they could deliver to teachers, classmates, extra-curricular coaches or members of the community. A phone call or email can be just as meaningful, because it is more about learning that in the giving of affirmation, we in turn confirm our own place in the community. In South Africa we call it ubuntu - I am because you are.
Farewells: set aside time to say goodbye to people, places, pets or possessions - the 4 P’s we try to cover in a relocation to avoid later regrets. In this context, if your child’s school hasn’t already organized a drive-by farewell or graduation, consider other ways to “see” special people. Saying goodbye to places will be especially important to graduates from preschool all the way up to college, as they will not be returning to the same physical location. By engaging your child in a conversation about their memories, you might discover a favorite tree they sat under at recess or a coffee shop they studied in for finals that would warrant a final visit. For college graduates who are leaving home, make a point of taking a photograph with the family pet - as homesickness sets in, we often find a longing for even our furry friends. As for possessions, ask your child if there is something they want to keep to remind them of their school year. It could be anything from spirit wear to a yearbook, or an acorn from that favorite tree. These end up being the “sacred objects” we hear both children and adults talk about who have moved several times and want a physical reminder of where they’ve been.
Thinking Ahead: or thinking destination. Often in the midst of transition, we feel so overwhelmed with goodbyes that we can’t think about what’s coming next. Knowing it requires conscious effort, be intentional in helping your child answer questions like: What are my plans for the summer? Where am I going next? What resources do I have available to help me? What can I expect of my new school//job/life stage? Any sort of thinking or planning ahead will help your child make the mental shift towards the new beginning that awaits. Engage them in making a summer wish list, discuss realistic goals, and even allow a little dreaming amidst the uncertainty of the future. We all need something to work towards to keep the momentum going.
Transitions are uncomfortable for us all, but we all manage to make them.
Building a RAFT in the leaving stage will not guarantee an easy transition, but it could make for a less bumpy ride. Even as parents we could do with building our own RAFTs to slide into summer. As we get busy in these next few weeks with endings, affirmations and farewells, don’t neglect your own need for reconciliation or forward planning. Transitions are uncomfortable for us all, but we all manage to make them. My hope is that in having tools to better navigate the change, we can normalize the process and eliminate distress.
Note: for smaller children, you can make building RAFTs into an activity by getting 4 craft sticks, some glue or string, and a marker. On each stick write the words for the acronym. Then, as you talk through each stage, glue or tie them together to form a raft. Afterwards you can ‘sail’ from what is ending to the shore of the new beginning. We all need language to make sense of change and this can be a great place to start.
“I always get to where I am going by walking away from where I have been.”
Winnie the Pooh