Trauma-19
I haven’t always hated airports. They used to represent adventure, the window to the world that I wanted to explore, but over the years that has changed. Airports have become depersonalized places where I calmly say goodbye to family and friends on the surface, while underneath my heart is pounding, my hands are sweating, and my soul begs to stay. It’s gotten worse since my mom died, because now I know that things can change while I’m living my life in a different country. I’ve learned to cope with my airport anxiety by pretending that what’s about to happen is not really happening, that I’m not actually being separated from my family, and that we’ll be reunited soon. It’s a vague version of the truth that helps me dissociate in the moment, giving me enough time to check my bags, go through security, and board the plane without falling apart. I never understood this as a response to trauma until reading about the subject on my vacation last week. (I know, not your usual summer read, but then is this your average summer?) While I may think trauma is too heavy a word to use, I do have to acknowledge that the visceral response I get in airports sounds a lot like “learned helplessness” - a term used in the trauma world to describe what happens when we’re confronted with the reality that there is nothing we can do to avoid what inevitably awaits.
I’ve been noticing a similar avoidance behavior in myself this summer as I put off decisions like whether or not my children will return to school in the fall or continue with remote learning. It could just look like decision fatigue - after all we are having to decide daily whether to make plans or cancel them, go in to the office or stay home, see friends or still keep our social distance. But I know at the back of my mind is the awareness that even the outcome of my decision about school is outside of my control because there is no sign of the virus slowing down. It is easy to get overwhelmed in the midst of change and uncertainty and there is enough of that going around: a global pandemic, racial injustices, changes to the US immigration system, political and economic instability. Is it any wonder we are feeling some kind of helplessness to affect or avoid the situation we find ourselves in? And if so, could it be possible that these unprecedented times could also be called traumatic?
Trauma is being unable to do anything to change the situation.
When we first hear the word trauma, it can conjure up images of catastrophic accidents, natural disasters, physical or sexual abuse, and wartime combat. But what about the more insidious traumas that are spoken of in the psychology world as small “t” traumas? There’s divorce, financial difficulty, abrupt or extended relocation, legal trouble, microaggressions. Some may hesitate to call this trauma, but what if we’re actually underestimating the effect these are collectively having on our minds and bodies?
If we take war as an example of big “T” trauma: there are those who perish in combat, those who return from it with survivor guilt or post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), and those who are affected indirectly by the trauma of an entire country at war. So I feel it has been with COVID-19: some have lost their lives, others have experienced loss in a variety of forms, but we are all afflicted in some way by an unseen enemy that continues to disrupt and destroy. As Bessel van der Kolk, M.D. and trauma specialist, stated recently in an interview regarding the pandemic, “ We are all living under a pre-traumatic cloud. We don’t know what is going to happen and what we are going to do about it. Trauma is being unable to do anything to change the situation.”
Fight. Flight. Freeze.
As we feel this helplessness, we need to become aware of its impact on our body’s fight, flight, or freeze response. We can see it in the way anger erupts (fight), or in the increase of numbing addictions as we try to escape the reality of our situation (flight). We may see ourselves freezing - dissociating from reality or simply putting our heads in the sand to pretend none of this is even happening or that we’ll return to “normal” soon. We could even experience a combination of all three. The key is not to shame ourselves into behaving better, but instead to explore our reaction to trauma with curiosity, find practical ways to control our responses, and help our bodies heal.
Be kind to yourself: you are not the only person feeling traumatized by our current situation. Normalizing your experience can help to calm your anxiety and allow you to discern your underlying responses to threat.
Organize your day: the structure and predictability of our exterior world has all but disappeared and what we are left with is the need to organize our interior lives. Summer is usually a time when schedules go out the window, but notice your and your children’s needs for structure at this time. Introduce boundaries, set expectations that can be met, and look for predictability and routine.
Encourage physical activity: trauma and the feeling of helplessness can render our bodies inactive. Do anything you can to restore movement, strength, and a sense of agency to your body. Yoga and Pilates are excellent forms of exercise that combine both breathing and strength, but weight-lifting or any other form of daily physical activity will do.
Restore a sense of purpose: all creatures need purpose. The key is to help yourself and those around you to regain the energy to engage with life. Find activities that helped you find meaning to your days in quarantine: get out your cookbooks, enroll in another online course, find creative ways to use our skills. We may have to dig deep to find things that give us the satisfaction that comes with achieving something with our efforts, but keep it small and keep it simple.
Pay attention to the needs of those around you: as long as the mind is defending itself against invisible assaults, our closest bonds are threatened, along with our ability to plan, play, learn, and pay attention to other people’s needs. Start with yourself and your immediate family, trying to be present enough to see where you/they may be struggling or in need of help. Our mental health and that of those around us is paramount. Make time for self care, laughter, imagination, and fun.
If unpredictability is at the root of trauma, then our current situation is the perfect Petri dish for its cultivation. If we are aware of it, we can recognize unhelpful coping mechanisms and remember what has helped us in the past so that we do not freeze and fall back on a sense of timelessness and helplessness. Trust the process of naming what we’re feeling, accepting where we are, and finding ways to keep moving forward - we are on this road to resilience together!