Sending out an SOS
When we first moved to the US over a decade ago, one of the hardest things I experienced was the holidays. I would see families making plans to gather for barbecues and fireworks, and though I ignorantly didn’t know the difference between Memorial and Independence Day, I knew enough to know we’d be missing out on some sort of social gathering. Of course over the years that changed, as friends invited us to join in on their celebrations, but that first summer was one of the most isolating I had ever experienced. It was the first time I realized just how much I needed the social support I had built up in London with friends or had built-in with my family in South Africa.
Those first months after moving to Austin were some of my most stressful, and my mental health suffered as a consequence. Not only was I learning how to drive on the opposite side of the road and make choices from a gazillion options at the grocery store, but I was also trying to parent two children whose disorganized behavior showed that their worlds had also been turned upside-down. It was hard and I felt lonely. Of course my sister or a friend in London was always on the other side of a tearful phonecall, but I knew I would need to start building a new network of people I could call when I needed help.
Social support is the most powerful protection against becoming overwhelmed by stress or trauma.
When I read in Bessel van Der Kolk’s book, The Body Keeps the Score, that numerous studies of disaster response around the globe have shown that social support is the most powerful protection against becoming overwhelmed by stress or trauma, something resonated. Of course moving to America was not a disaster, but I instinctively knew that I would not survive if I did not start building community, so that is what I did. As soon as pre-school started after the summer, my radar was on to find ways to connect. It took courage to initiate conversations and vulnerability to admit need, but gradually I built up a network of friends who would be there if I couldn’t pick one of the children up from school or needed to go to a doctor’s appointment sans enfants.
However, social support is not merely being in the presence of others, we also need reciprocity: being truly heard and seen by the people around us. This took more time as I narrowed down those few friends who were interested in more than just where I was from. They took time to get to know me: my fears, my pains, my joys and my hopes. These were the friends I eventually felt safe with which ultimately helped me feel connected, calm, and able to grow where I’d been planted.
Connection is fundamental to living meaningful and satisfying lives.
As we all prepare for a different 4th of July this year, many of us may be grieving the inability to gather with our friends and families. We may be feeling isolated and disconnected from society at large which is concerning as we know that connection is fundamental to living meaningful and satisfying lives. While we continue to practice social distancing to fight the rising numbers COVID infections, we need to be proactive in finding ways to feel connected and seek out social support. It’s my version of sending out an SOS (seek out social support)! We are in a new season of coming to terms with the fact that this pandemic is not going anywhere, which is leaving many of us feeling alone, anxious or afraid. Here are just a few ideas to help keep you connected and keep overwhelm at bay.
Arrange a virtual happy hour with colleagues
Set up regular FaceTime calls with close friends where you can express your fears, pains, needs , or hopes
Connect to parents in your child’s school via their Facebook Group to keep informed
Join a virtual book club or bible study where you can discuss ideas other than current news affairs
Be vulnerable enough to ask for help if you need it
Join an exercise community where you can be kept accountable to keep your body moving
Arrange a virtual games evening using apps like Kahoot
Happy Independence Day!