Rethinking Resilience
This week I’ve been watching my 9-year-old play. I mean really watching her play. She has thrived in these seemingly endless days at home and, as I found myself struggling this week, I wanted to see what it was that made her days so full of joy and wonder when mine felt almost the opposite. What I witnessed was a mind full of imagination and curiosity about the world around her, not one bogged down by news and social media feeds, work and worry.
As a self-proclaimed bookworm, quarantine has meant more time for her hobby: reading. The first series she devoured in the spring was The Mysterious Benedict Society where she became intrigued by the adventurous main character, Kate. Soon, she too was carrying around a red bucket filled with rope, a Swiss Army knife, a flashlight, journal, magnifying glass and other much-needed supplies. On any given day, she would casually walk into the kitchen, grab an apple and say something like:
“Mom, I’m off to do a challenge. Will you tell me when an hour’s up?”
“Sure my love. What’s the challenge today?” I’d inquire.
“Sitting in the tree out front.” she’d reply matter-of-factly as though it were something we would all be doing at some point that day.
“Ok…”, I’d muster with a smile as she turned on her heel to head out, bucket swinging, with a spring in her step.
These “challenges” have gone on all through the summer and have included anything from seeing how long she can hide in the closet or tread water in the pool, to how many Mr. Men books she can read in an hour. One day she even challenged herself to stay outside all day and must’ve done so because I remember bringing her at least one meal up the now-famous tree.
Children are more resilient to change.
I now realize that, perhaps without knowing it, she has been quietly cultivating resilience - something we could all do a little more with to get us through these challenging times. Her ability to set goals and be optimistic about achieving them, while being able to bounce back from any failures and learn from her experience, has me wondering how much more we could be learning from our kids.
The truth is, children are more resilient to change. They are used to not being in control of plans as parents often make decisions without consulting them or teachers change schedules without prior notice. Most kids have learnt to be flexible and adapt to the challenges of new situations with curiosity, empathy, optimism, and hope. As adults, we become more uncomfortable with change and learn how to manage or control our schedules and routines to allow for the least amount of disruption to our days. It’s no wonder then that we are the ones struggling as we continue to face change and find ourselves unable to control even something as simple as our kids returning to school in the fall.
It’s not too late to cultivate resilience.
The good news is, it’s not too late to cultivate resilience. It might not be as easy as sitting in a tree for an hour, but we are in a season where we can use adversity as an opportunity for growth. Here are my top ten tips to help you strengthen your resilience.
Embrace change: accept that nothing stays the same, there will always be flux, and we will all be challenged by obstacles, both from within and without, throughout our lives.
Take your thoughts captive: we all experience negative thought patterns, but it’s empowering to know that our thoughts are within our control. Try and break negative cycles by shifting your thoughts to something positive, calming, or at least neutral. Go for a walk, exercise, pray, or engage in something creative.
Practice perspective: remember that no situation is permanent, pervasive, or personal. Resilient people are able to see the effects of bad events as temporary, they don’t let setbacks affect other unrelated areas of their lives, and don’t blame themselves when bad things happen.
Acknowledge your strengths: instead of dwelling on your weaknesses or the fear of being unable to handle a situation, remind yourself of your strengths and prior accomplishments. Believe that they will stand you in good stead now.
Create goals: set reasonable goals that you can accomplish on a regular basis. These can be hobbies, projects around the house, or things to do to give back to the community. Setting life goals may be harder in challenging times, but doing so keeps you rooted and can give you something to look forward to no matter how hard life seems in the moment.
Take action: this applies to your goals as well as to dealing with issues that seem insurmountable. Moving forward with action lets you accomplish even the smallest task - eventually these add up to tackle the bigger issue at hand.
Be optimistic and remain hopeful: even in the most difficult of times, there are things that are good and things to look forward to. When we have the opportunity to look back on this season, we may find that what didn’t work out the way we wanted, actually brought us to a different place. It may be better, but at the least we would’ve learned something about ourselves that we didn’t know.
Have a sense of humor: humor can provide a necessary counterbalance to the seriousness of our circumstances. Our mood can be lightened by a well-timed laugh, allowing us to forget for a moment what bothers us so much.
Develop strong personal connections: having a reliable and caring social network gives us the support and reassurance we need to get through life’s challenges. Remember, we’re in this together!
Take care of yourself: take time to do the things that support and feed your body and soul. For more self care tips refer to my blog #selfcaresunday.
“The struggle you’re in today is developing the strength you need for tomorrow. Don’t give up.”
Robert Tew