Dealing with Disappointment
Just this week, schools in Austin announced a delayed return to on-site learning. Football season is on hold, the band is unable to march, and I’m sure it’s not only my children who are disappointed that school won’t be a return to the utopia they remember. The news also left me feeling disappointed about the goals I’d set for the fall that would now have to shift around this ever evolving season with the children at home. The feeling of frustration passed relatively quickly for me as I put things into perspective and set more manageable expectations, but it left me thinking about my kids. While we know that children are pretty resilient to change, we do need to recognize that these may be some of their first real disappointments and they might benefit from some help.
Defeat. Deflate. Doubt.
We need only think back on our own history of disappointments to know that we haven’t always handled them in healthy ways. Whether it was the high school heartbreak, the promotion at work that went to someone else, or the dream that is yet to be fulfilled, we all know the gut-punching feeling that can leave us defeated, deflated, or even doubtful that anything good will ever come from dreaming again. What is in our favor as adults though, is a lifetime of inoculation against disappointments both big and small that our children simply do not have. What I’d like to do today is look at how we deal with disappointment so that we can coach our kids through one of life’s inevitabilities.
Shame. Blame. Explain.
I’d like to first think about what doesn’t help us deal with disappointment. Often, when things don’t go as expected, we tend to shame ourselves for not being good enough or for foolishly setting unrealistic goals. Either that, or we blame others for preventing whatever it was we thought we deserved and bitterness can take hold in our hearts. The most innocuous, yet equally unfruitful thing we do is try to explain why things turned out the way they did. While a justification in the moment can bring some relief to the pain of disappointment, it is more likely to delay the acceptance that life simply does not always work out as we would like and there is very little we can do to control it. Notice these behaviors in yourself and help your children recognize them too. What are our alternatives?
Listen. Lament. Let go. Look forward.
Disappointment is a kind of loss. The death of a dream no matter how small it may seem. It is validating to be heard as we express what has been disappointing rather than burying it in shame and blame. This requires someone to actively listen and empathize with us, whether that be in conversation with a trusted person or in prayer with God. Lamenting requires honesty about the situation we are in and an evaluation of what we placed our hope in. This allows us an opportunity to self-reflect and adjust our expectations if necessary or accept that to live and love is to encounter loss and that to hope for and dream is to occasionally encounter disappointment. Ultimately, we need to be able to let go, believing that we can look forward to a different path.
This is by no means the only way to deal with disappointment, but reflecting on my own experiences has helped me consider how to support my children as they encounter their losses in this season. If I can take a moment to listen to my daughter’s sadness that her band’s marching season has been cancelled, I am more likely to empathize with her and help her lament her loss. Of course I could tell her how fortunate she is to even have the opportunity to play an instrument or how she should look on the bright side that the hot summer band camp is cancelled, but in my experience that rarely helps. I am by no means advocating to let our children whine and complain about things that haven’t gone their way and perhaps that should go for us too. We need to remember that our children are learning by observing what we do as we share our disappointment over a cancelled summer vacation or our fall plans that have been waylaid. Lamenting loss is actively entering our feelings of disappointment and allowing others to listen and comfort us before letting them go and looking forward to a different path. I believe this puts us in a posture to lean into hope.
Harbor hope.
Hope can look like different things for different people. In this COVID season it could be as simple as hoping for a vaccine so that things can return to how they were before the pandemic. We could also have an inherent hope in the resilience of the human race to withstand our current challenges and subsequent disappointments. For me, I don’t know how to talk about hope without bringing my faith into the equation. I have hope in a God who is in control, not me. A God who is good, despite my circumstances that tell me otherwise. A God who listens to my laments and reminds me that my hope is in Him. He knows my dreams, invites me to be honest about my disappointments, and reminds me that the story isn’t finished yet. Hope is a choice we can press into in the midst of disappointment and it’s this that I hope to model to my children.