Walking through the Chaos
Jady: Carolyn, you yourself have walked through many transitions. What are some of the things you’ve seen to be consistent that people encounter or feel during transition?
Carolyn: A lot of people feel alone, they feel like they’re the only ones feeling a certain way, and that everyone else might be able to handle the transition they’re going through, except for them. They’re also feeling loss and don’t have the words to describe it.
Jady: What has been helpful for you to find language for the loss we’re encountering?
Carolyn: I knew I was going through something difficult, but didn’t have words for it. So, for me (language) came by reading books: Transitions, by William Bridges and “Third Culture Kids” by David Pollock and Ruth Van Reken. I had found my tribe. I realized: I’m not the only going through this, this is a normal process, transition happens to all of us. It’s that inner re-orientation (that occurs) when a change is happening externally. If you’re not a reader, talk to someone who has been through similar things. Someone you know can say: “I know what you’re going through.”
Jady: Translating that in to our current situation: the whole world is facing the same problem. Navigating all the emotions can feel overwhelming. When everyone’s going through the same thing, how do we begin the conversation being sensitive to one another?
Carolyn: The real goal is to be a good listener. Don’t project your own opinions or feelings while someone is sharing theirs. Become a learner of yourself first. Where am I fearful? Where am I feeling anxious about this? Recognize what you are carrying (into the conversation) before you listen to someone who is coming to you, because their experience might be completely different. Listen to people where they’re at.
Jady: You’re listening to the story behind the story, or what people are not saying, which leads to great questions. How have you grown in seeing that develop in you?
Carolyn: I’m trained as a physical therapist so from the get-go I’ve been listening to people’s stories. As a bereavement group facilitator I’m leading groups of people who have been through a significant loss: hearing their pain and being witness to it. Everybody wants to be able to express what they’re feeling and it’s being able to sit back and listen without offering advice or passing judgement.
Jady: We’re all going through loss and pain and we need to care for others going through loss and pain too. As people of God we need to be a witness to people’s pain and lead them in to a place of hope. Can you walk us through the transition bridge to give us language and a framework for what we’re walking through?
Carolyn: Picture a bridge crossing an expanse. Where the bridge starts is where you were feeling settled (pre-COVID): you had a job, your kids were going to school, your retirement plans were in place, your wedding date was set. You had a place to belong and you had a role to fulfill.
When a change happens, that all gets shaken up, which leads us to being unsettled. This is where you can start feeling all the feels. Who am I when I’m not doing these things? What is going to happen with my job? There are endings and you have to start making sense of what’s next. The temptation is to jump across to the other side of the bridge so we don’t have to sit in the uncomfortable feeling.
The next step is chaos: this is how we feel in the middle of a transition, and how most of us are feeling right now (mid-COVID). Our old roles have been taken away, as have our plans, our routines, our schedules. We can feel clueless, structureless, isolated, rootless, and our problems may feel exaggerated. Grief and disappointment follow. Many of us want to bypass this phase, but the beauty of it is if we can quiet our hearts enough to look for the gold in the season.
Eventually, there is hope. We get resettled: this is my new normal, I think I can start to accept the change and be able to manage it. And finally, we become settled on the other side of the bridge (post-COVID). New decisions are made, new roles assigned, a new normal embraced. That’s what we’re hoping for at the end of all this.
Jady: I really relate to the chaos step: it’s where we are most vulnerable to allow our emotions to get out of control. Have you found any things that are helpful in the chaos step that serve as grounding places when you feel the world is shifting underneath us?
Carolyn: Get to the place of recognizing that things have come to an end, you have lost something, and give yourself the permission to grieve it. Grieving is a normal process; when it becomes something difficult is when it is unresolved. Then, recognize it as a place of germination. It feels like nothing is going on, like we’re in this really dead place, but something is happening and there will be new fruit and there will be new life at the end of this. What is God doing with you in this process? Can you be still enough to listen and tune in and hear?
Jady: Carolyn, you mentioned you have a blog, what is it?
Carolyn: I’ve been writing for a long time to debrief myself and process some of my own transitions and loss. You can find the blog on NavigateTransition.com.
I have also started a Facebook group to gather people. I think the beauty of a group is when we’re all going through something together, we can recognize the universality of our experience.